Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
