so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
