she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
