Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
