So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
