just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Why is there bacon in the couch?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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