I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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