We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
