i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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