its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
