went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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