how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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