I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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