Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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