someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
