Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
