I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
