the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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