I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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