dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
