God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
