he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
