I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
