It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
