Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize