you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
