dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
