New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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