Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The air taste purple.
Randomize
