Small penises have feelings too.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
