Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
