My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
