My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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