my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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