I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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