Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
