There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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