UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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