he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
