i think i have herpe
just one?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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