I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
