No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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