Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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