just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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