Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
