I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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