I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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