This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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