I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Just pee around me
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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