I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
