so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
