community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
