mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
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