Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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