I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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