I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
