You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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