You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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