if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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