I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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