Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I wish I only lived at night.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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