New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
