I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
